What a week..

On Friday, I opened the blinds to watch the rain. As the blinds opened, I saw a FedEx van and began to cry.

The prior Wednesday, 9/11/13, I heard the doorbell ring. I knew it was FedEx because I had missed their delivery the day before. I must have been listening to a hearing and did not hear the door. But on Wednesday, I heard it! So I jumped up from my desk, ran across the house and down the stairs. I signed for the package knowing it was an autographed sports card that Jimmy was expecting. After I closed the door, my calf felt a little sore. I hobbled around for the rest of the day. I looked it up online and it seemed like I had strained my calf.

The next day we went to pick up a new refrigerator for our garage. Jimmy and the guy we bought it from were moving it, and I ran ahead to open the gate for them. After that, my calf was hurting a little more. I was limping a little more, but I was okay. Beginning Friday night, I was not able to sleep in bed. It hurt too much. I was waking up constantly in pain. I kept moving to the couch because I didn't want to wake up +Jimmy Ho. On Saturday we thought it may do my calf good to use Trigger Point (something runners use to massage sore muscles). Jimmy rolled my calf, and at the time it was painful but seemed to help. That night oh my sweet lord it hurt SO much. I couldn't sleep at all. We had been staying at a friend's house that weekend so when we were driving home, it was hurting so much I was in tears. Sunday night I couldn't sleep in my bed either... and Monday I could barely walk at all. I broke down on Tuesday and decided make a doctor's appointment because my leg was not getting any better. I thought they could give me some kind of muscle relaxer to help with the pain.

So I went to the doctor last Wednesday, 9/17/13. The doctor/nurse practitioner agreed that she thought it was a calf strain, but she wanted me to get an ultrasound to rule out a blood clot. There was an imaging center in the same building so I walked over, and they were able to fit me in that day. It was about 4:45 when I finished with my ultrasound. I was waiting in the lobby for them to tell me I could leave. But when they came out, they didn't say I could leave. They said my doctor said I needed to go straight to the ER. What? Why? The guy at the imaging center wouldn't tell me anything, but he said I could go back over to my doctor's office, and she would talk to me.

I hobbled back over to the doctor's office, but she had already left. I asked why I needed to go to the ER, but the front office staff wouldn't tell me. The nurse pulled Jimmy and I back into a room and told me that I had a blood clot, and I needed to go to the ER right now. I lost it.. I teared up and couldn't stop crying. How did I go from a calf strain to having to go straight to the ER? I haven't been to the ER or in the hospital since I was 4 so I was terrified. We went to get in the car, and my doctor was pulling away. She saw me, stopped her car, and got out to come talk to me. I was still in tears, and she was reassuring me that everything was going to be okay.

While we were driving to the ER, the tears just would not stop. Before deciding to go to the doctor in the first place, Jimmy told me he wanted me to go because he thought it could be a blood clot. I read about blood clots online. If they break off and go to your lungs, brain, or heart, you can die. DIE. All of this was going through my mind on the way to the ER. It was just too much to process.

We got to the ER. The intake nurse was asking me questions, and I was having trouble pulling myself together to answer her questions. I'm sure she deals with people that are hysterical all the time. She was able to put on her work voice that was very monotone. She kept telling me that everything was going to be okay. I was put in an ER room. Doctors, nurses, and techs were in and out constantly for the first hour. I DO NOT like needles. So of course they had to put an IV in my hand. Then.. in comes cute man nurse and wants to give me 2 shots. Can you guess where? In my BELLY. Yep.. had to show cute my nurse my sexy huge belly. After that I wasn't embarrassed about anything. After 3 hours, yes 3 hours, I was admitted to the hospital. No one knew exactly how long I would be there. It would be up to the doctor in the morning. The guy that wheeled me up to my room first said to me "you look pretty good for someone going to the 3rd floor!" Umm.. what? What does that mean? Terrible thing to say to someone who is already terrified. He said that it was for people that need closer monitoring. I said yeah well.. I have a blood clot and could die so that's probably why I'm going there. He didn't say much after that. I didn't mean for my statement to sound so harsh.. I think that was just the first time I had said it out loud.

Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? There is no resting in a hospital. Nurses are in and out every hour or so to check on you. Jimmy stayed the night with me, and bless his heart, I know he did not sleep well. The pull out couch did not look comfy, and when the nurses come in they turn on lights and talk. I know they are doing their job, and they are there to take care of the patients. I just felt bad for Jimmy.

The next morning the doctor said I would be out that afternoon! I was happy but also nervous. There wouldn't be anyone watching me anymore, and that was scary. I had to give myself 2 shots a day since I got out, but I finished that today! I was SO happy. I now have to take blood thinner pills for 6 months. I have to be monitored during this time so I'll have my blood checked about once a week from what I understand.

There are a lot of foods I'm supposed to stay away from, mostly leafy greens that are high in Vitamin K. I also can't drink for the next 6 months.. so no happy hours for me. I still have quite a bit of pain in my leg. I can't walk very well, but I feel like it is getting a little bit better.

So why did the FedEx van make me cry? Because if I had not hurt my leg, I may not have found out that I had the blood clot. They didn't tell me if there was a specific cause of the blood clot, but they think it could have been birth control. Every time I think about not knowing I had a blood clot, I start to cry. I mean.. just massaging my leg last Saturday could have made it move to my lungs, heart, or brain. It's terrifying. Jimmy is going through the same thought process. It has been a tough week for us, but because we did catch it, and I'm being treated I really think it will all be okay. This is the kind of thing that makes you WANT to change your life, you know? I feel so helpless right now because I can't even walk, and I can't eat the foods that you want to eat to be healthy. Soon I'll have a routine, and it will all work out.

I have to take a minute and brag on Jimmy. He has been so wonderful. He has taken such good care of me. I don't know what I do without him. I always tell him how much I love him, and that I'm thankful for him. But things like this just make feel even more appreciative.

My friends have also been wonderful. To bringing us dinner, sending me edible arrangements, bringing me magazines, books, O'Douls (HA) and NAIR (since I can't shave due to fear of bleeding out), to the texts checking on me. I love all of you guys so much. You've made me feel very loved. My family has been checking on my constantly too. It's been so nice.

I'm feeling better about things, but I still find myself crying a bit at times. In a few days I'll get it together :). Love all of you guys!

Umm..

It's too hard..
It's too hot..
I won't succeed..
I want to be able to drink and eat with my friends..
I don't want to wake up early..
I don't love my trainer..
I'm too tired..
I'm too big..
I don't know exactly what to do..
I don't have time..
Jimmy eats whatever he wants..

What are these? These are my excuses. Excuses for not wanting to eat healthy.. for not wanting to be as active as I need to be. Actually sitting down and writing them down makes them seem trivial and silly.

My blog is my sense of accountability, and as you can see... I have not been blogging lately. I have not been eating terribly, but I have not been being very strict on myself, and I definitely have not been as active as I need to be. The truth is.. trying to lose weight totally sucks, and it is really frustrating that it takes so long. But! But.. it also totally sucks being overweight. I saw something on tumblr the other day that said "losing weight is hard. Being overweight is hard. Pick you hard." That saying has really stuck with me because it could not be more true.

A lot of people have mentioned that they have not seen me blog lately. It really means so much to me that you all read my blog and put up with my craziness! I hope you will continue to read as I continue to struggle. Knowing you guys read is what keeps me honest. I have just been putting off saying that I'm not perfect, and that this is hard for me.

But that's all I'm going to say about all of that. Some things you should know - I want to be able to jog a 5K. That's my newest goal! I also have some Tech football tshirts that I bought a while ago that don't fit me well. I want to be able to wear them by the end of football season. Those are small, but I think attainable goals, and I'm super excited about them. I don't know if I will sign up for a 5K... the thought of that really scares me!

Some totally random things:

- If I ever have kids, I'm going to be that really awesome/embarrassing parent that still listens to pop music and rap. So.. future potential child, you're welcome, and I'm sorry. I thought by the age of 31 I would have outgrown this, but apparently not.

- It is now September, and I do not care that it is still 100F degrees, it is fall in my mind, and that means pumpkin everything.

- It is exactly 3 months until +Jimmy Ho and I see Justin Timberlake, and I can't even tell you how excited I am. On a related know, Drake is going to be on the new JT album that comes out next month. I'm dying.

- Both of my dogs are now 8! I'm reassured that Jimmy and I can keep something alive and well for that amount of time.

- Jimmy and I have completely cleaned out our entire house over this past week. We have sold and donated so many things! We have a FUNd envelope that we are putting the money we make from stuff we sell. It has almost $600 in it!!

- College football started last weekend! Tech and UT won! It was a happy weekend in the Ho home. Oh.. and btw - how hot is Kliff Kingsbury? In that.. looks like he could be druggie, like in a James Franco kinda way, but whatevs, love it!

- NFL officially starts tonight! Last year I won our fantasy football league, and the Commissioner of our league totally hates for me for it and thinks Jimmy managed my team. I'm just awesome!

- I had some issues with my eye. I had to go to my doctor before being referred to a specialist. I ended up having to see the nurse practitioner because my doctor had no open appointments. I think the nurse practitioner thought I might have a tumor or something. She was pretty freaked out, and took me off work until I could see a specialist. Turns out it may just be tension headaches? My eyes are fine. It was a scary few days though.

Ok.. that's all I've got tonight. Tomorrow is Friday!!!! Have a good weekend, y'all.